If you have kids, you know the worst time leaving the house is the 30 minutes prior to going to church. It usually continues in the car ride as well, the screaming, the crying, and the complaining. Sometimes the kids even do it too. I had to throw that joke in there. That sounds like a joke Jack Tripper would have said on Three's Company. I think that was the only slap stick comedy I could ever take and really laugh out loud at. But I'm digressing quickly.
The other Sunday my wife had to meet a friend after church so we decided to take two cars. That way, I could leave after church and take the kids home while she ate her precious food at Noodles and Company. On the way to church it was just me and my daughter in the car.
The ride was okay. But I was overwhelmed with a feeling of defeat and in my head I yelled out at God. I wanted to go home because there was nothing in the day I was looking forward to. I wanted to drop Chloe off at church, go to Best Buy and then get some Chipotle. I simply didn't want to go. And I find myself turning into a person who only goes to church for the sake of their children.
I don't know where this feeling came from. I think it's because I've doubted my salvation in bits and pieces since 11th grade. And over the past two years I've finally stopped lying to myself. Because it's okay that I doubt. I'd rather be honest with God about my doubt than lie to myself and others that my spiritual walk is soaring like an eagle. I thought something was really wrong with me and I wasn't a good Christian if I didn't know if I was going to heaven or hell. And for a long time I thought the devil was riding me hard because it was him who was making me doubt (in reality, I don't think it's Satan who makes a person doubt, if anything I'd think he would want someone to never question their faith and let them think they were fine and going to heaven, but that's a different post for another day). I think my generation I think is burnt out. Burned out on church because we were always told to pray, read the bible and go to church. If you didn't do those things consistently and daily you were on your way to a backsliding board road.
It's not that I'm not grateful for growing up in church or for the hospitality of the people there. But it's different now. The people are the same, which is fine, because they're wonderful. It's me that's different and how I view church that's different. I've been trying to bridge the gap of what I learned as a young Southern Baptist boy in the 4th and 5th grade boys Sunday School class, being doused with Krispy Kreme donuts (I once ate a whole box) to an almost 30 year old man with a wife, two kids and an ant named Mulligan who seems to always come out at night and nibble on my Andy Cap hot fries.
Me and a friend met at a Chick Fil A a couple of weeks ago and we talked about marriage, life, and finances. And it was really meaningful to me. I got more excited about that than I did suffocated in a pew singing songs that don't make any sense.
I just wanted to share my heart with you all today. I long to not get angry at stupid things or get impatient. I long to be mature in speaking with people. I long for Jesus, not the American version, but I long for the Jesus of the bible. He stirs me up and challenges me and comforts me. He doesn't make me bored, tell me things I already know or condemn me.
I'll be honest, sometimes I just want to go to Best Buy instead of church.